


A Man For All Seasons

by SmackTheDevil



Series: The J2 Christmas Anthology [4]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Car Accidents, Coping, Explicit Language, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mystical Creatures, Romance, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27883226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmackTheDevil/pseuds/SmackTheDevil
Summary: Jensen Ackles is a widower, grieving after the untimely death of his husband, Jared. Jensen hadn't planned for a life without his ballerino soulmate so grief took him quickly and deeply. To free himself from the world he once shared with Jared, Jensen leaves his life in the city behind to start a new one, alone and isolated to live out his days until reunited with his husband.What he doesn't expect is a lesson told throughout the seasons about how life must continue and the mysterious being who teaches it.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Series: The J2 Christmas Anthology [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2036215
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	A Man For All Seasons

**Author's Note:**

> 'A Man For All Seasons' is story four of The J2 Christmas Anthology, a series of twelve festive short stories for the holiday season. 
> 
> ***Please be aware that this story features grief heavily throughout. It may not appear to be the right subject for a holiday story but I hope that a few people might take comfort from the positive elements and hopeful outcome***

When Jensen Ackles met principal ballerino, Jared Padalecki everything in his life fell into place. They had met at the party of a mutual acting friend, Jensen had nothing to do with the arts himself but moved in those circles due to his job in advertizing and claimed that the moment he saw Jared, he fell in love with him. Jared was driven and focused on his career which Jensen found incredibly attractive along with all the aesthetics the human race attribute when looking for ‘the one’. Jared was tall, beautiful, graceful and full of life. Jared had fallen in love with Jensen fast too. Within six months they were living together, within a year they were married and talked about children in their future together. The couple had settled down young in their twenties but suited one another so well, no one could mistake them as just being friends. They were soul mates and they idolized one another. 

Two weeks before Christmas Jensen’s world imploded in the worst possible after receiving a call that everyone with a loved one dreaded. Jared had been hit by a car while out late night Christmas shopping because it was his favorite time of the year and had been taken by ambulance to the hospital with his life hanging by a thread. By the time Jensen had crossed the city to get there, Jared had gone. The noise Jensen had made when he walked into the cold, clinical room to identify Jared’s body had sent chills over everyone within hearing distance. Jensen didn’t leave the room for two hours, despite it being suggested that he should. He just couldn’t/wouldn’t accept that the most beautiful human being he had ever known was dead. Jensen cut a lock of Jared’s hair just before security had been sent in to ask him to leave. They were kind but Jensen couldn’t see kindness at that point, he fought back and found himself in his own special part of the hospital after being sedated due to the anger borne from his profound grief. People buzzed around him in blurs as he woke and the first face his saw fully was that of his mother, who looked gaunt and pale with grief. She had loved Jared too, there wasn’t a soul on earth who hadn’t.

“He’s gone, mommy.” Jensen whined, curling into a ball on his bed and pawing at his mother’s body for support. “My baby has gone.” 

“I know, my love.” Mrs. Ackles said through tears, even though her stance said stoic, keeping strong for her boy. There was nothing, not one thing she could have said to make Jensen feel the tiniest bit better, so she held him while he sobbed and until exhaustion and bitter grief took him.

_One Year Later_

There had been only one reason why Jensen was still alive and wandering the earth alone. Jared. The couple had never discussed losing one another in great depth because it hadn’t been the kind of conversation they ever wanted to have. The only thing Jensen had explicitly said on the subject of death was ‘ _If I lost you, I couldn’t go on living_ ’. Jared had told him that was dumb and ‘ _If I ever go first, live your life, don’t waste it grieving over me, because baby, I’d know and I’d haunt you_ ’. Jensen took those words and used them as his life line, even though every single day since he had lost Jared felt like the worst pain he had ever endured, so Jensen left his life the only way he could. He left New York City behind, he and Jared’s pretty apartment, all of the things they had bought together and stripped his material life down to bare basics and moved himself out into the sticks to grieve. Jensen sold everything aside from his clothes, household basics and the box of memories and photographs that he and Jared had been putting together for their future children. Jared’s collection of ballet shoes and dance wear went with him too, along with a hoodie that hadn’t smelled of Jared for a good many months. Jensen didn’t want to live in a city where he was constantly reminded of the love of his life; restaurants they ate in, the people they both knew and the echoes that Jared had left behind him in the city were too much for Jensen to bear. 

The cabin was isolated but near enough to town for supplies and for Jensen’s diner job. He had bought the building outright, a place he wasn’t yet able to call home, and so had little to pay out for, just basic utilities and food was all Jensen needed. A far cry from the luxury of fancy dinner parties and nights at the ballet. Jensen needed simplicity so that all he had to do was live on in relative ease until he was back with Jared. Family and friends were left behind in favor of the waiting game, for the reunion he wanted more than anything in the world. The mountainous views and pretty lake had been lost on Jensen for a long time after he moved into the cabin, he could vaguely appreciate them but he wasn’t there to enjoy life, just exist through the time he had left. But the area was outstanding in its natural beauty and far away from the National Park trails that the state boasted about. Jensen was as alone as a person could have been and he was quite content with that.

*

_Spring_

Jensen blinked as the time on his watch silently ticked over to midnight, he was thirty. The milestone meant little to him, it was just the beginning of another year without Jared. Another twelve months dwelling on nothing but memories. Jared had always said that everything they did together, even the little things were about making memories to help get them through any bad times they might have experienced. Jensen had never expected the bad times to be quite as heartbreaking as they were and the memories made were nothing but reminders of what happiness had felt like and how it was unlikely that he would never find peace like that in his life again. Jensen only slept that night because the handful of sleeping pills had made it possible. They knocked him out when he needed long, deep dreamless sleeps because the exhaustion of thinking about Jared in his waking hours was often too much for his mind and body to bear. 

The pills had worked before Jensen had even thought about dragging himself to the bedroom, the DVD of Jared dancing in his company’s production of La Bayadére was still playing having looped back to the start several times while Jensen had slept on his unforgiving couch. The light outside was bright, as the early Spring mornings had been of late and after his morning coffee, the first of the two daily cigarettes he allowed himself and a quick freshen up under the clothes he had been wearing the day before, Jensen ventured outside to hike. Hiking turned out to be the one past time Jensen enjoyed, even though in his head he played fast and loose with the word ‘enjoyed’. It was freeing and relaxing, and he put enough effort behind it to exhaust himself enough to sleep some nights without the aid of medication. Just recently Jensen had begun to notice the beauty of the world around him, for a long time the snow-peaked mountain range, the glistening lake and the endless forest that encompassed his modest home were merely a backdrop to his grief. 

A week before his birthday, Jensen had stumbled upon a clearing after taking a wrong turn from the strict route he took whenever he chose to hike. It wasn’t anything hugely spectacular but seemed to feel more private and isolated than even his home, the trees that surrounded it were tall and majestic, growing in what looked like a perfect circle and surrounding a wide mound of grass. Jensen was craving the calm the clearing appeared to offer, so set off with a Thermos full of coffee and bag of homemade trail mix because sometimes, Jensen _did_ remember to eat. The air felt crisp and clean that morning, it was unmistakably almost Spring; new and full of promises. The clearing wasn’t far from Jensen’s cabin, a thirty minute hike at a medium speed; he wasn’t that much of an accomplished hiker to make a note of the distance. As Jensen stepped from the trail toward the clearing, he could see what seemed to be a bright yellow glow coming from it. At first he believed it to be the mid morning sun punching its way through the canopy of trees but they were so close together, the sun was rarely able to penetrate to the ground. Jensen stepped closer still until his eyes were assaulted with a carpet of sunflowers, at least that what he assumed they were; smaller and more dainty but definitely similar in shape. At first, he thought perhaps he had taken yet another wrong turn but remembered the tree he had carved he and Jared’s initials into a few months ago, it was without a doubt the clearing, looking remarkably different compared to the previous week.

“That’s weird.” Jensen said to himself hoarsely, he rarely spoke out loud, choosing to save his words for when he was at work at the diner in town or calling his mother once a month. His voice sounded thick and was still full of sleep. And then the memory hit him as if it were coming at him physically.

_”I don’t know how, that someone with such exquisite taste in music and film and books and food can think that yellow is an acceptable color.” Jensen laughed as Jared laid naked on the opposite end of the bed, long legs stretched out, his pretty but well-worn dancers feet laid on Jensen’s bare chest. Jensen always gave the best foot massages._

_”I don’t how you don’t.” Jared giggled, flexing his toes against Jensen’s fingers._

_”Yellow is the color of pee and ear wax and vomit.” Jensen teased, watching as Jared took back his feet, curled them around his body and crawled on all fours up the bed toward Jensen._

_”Yellow is the sun, it’s Pina Coladas and lemon Popsicles on hot summer days. Yellow is children in little raincoats splashing in puddles and delicious dewy bell peppers.” Jared laid over Jensen’s body and was wrapped up in two strong arms. “It’s sunflowers.” He beamed._

_”Only you could turn me onto yellow, baby.” Jensen gazed down at Jared, taking in everything he had fallen in love with._

_”You need to see the world through my eyes sometimes, there is beauty in absolutely everything and it’s wonderful.” Jared turned his head, laying his cheek against Jensen’s chest which was still slick with post-sex sweat._

_”You’re the only beauty I need.” Jensen whispered._

_”You’re biased, baby.” Jared giggled sleepily._

_”No, I’m not. I am just deeply in love.”_

Jensen was pulled sharply out of the memory, he felt warm and damp with sweat, comfortable and at a level of peace he hadn’t felt since Jared last walked the earth. Jensen let out a soft sob but it wasn’t filled with his usual grief, it was joy. Yes, joy. He felt joy and along with it he felt compelled to pick a huge handful of the tiny sunflowers. There was nothing else in his world at that precise moment that he wanted to do more. Jensen needed to pick the flowers and he felt happy doing it, one by one, plucking them easily from the ground until his fist was too full to hold any more. Forty five minutes later, the sunflowers were sat in a vase next to Jensen’s framed pictures of he and Jared on the mantel above his fireplace. And there they sat for weeks, months; not wilting, not dying nor even drying out. They just simply, lived.

_Summer_

Jensen’s mood had lifted considerably from Spring and through to the Summer. Life was still hard without Jared, some days felt like torture but once in a while and more often than not, Jensen felt happy. So happy that he had taken to hiking different trails in the run up to summer, choosing to explore more of the beauty surrounding him. A camera came by courier late Spring after Jensen decided to take up a hobby and he used it regularly, putting together an album of photographs which he called ‘Joy Through Grief’. The clearing had been largely ignored by Jensen since he had found the sunflowers and not because he didn’t want to go there, more so he felt that he didn’t _need_ to. At least not until one late July day when he was feeling particularly low, he had just called his mother and had been given the news that Jared’s father had passed on. The Padalecki’s were nice, all of them and Jared’s father had been one of Jensen’s favorite people. A man who hadn’t coped in any way with his sons untimely death. ‘ _I think it broke his heart and the grief took him in the end_ ’, Jensen’s mother had said through tears over the phone. 

Jensen sat on his couch, numb again as he tried to work out why good people die so young. As he thought, he glanced up at the sunflowers which were still as fresh as when he had picked them all those months ago. They spoke to him. They told him to go to the clearing. The walk felt harder and longer than usual, the summer sun was a little unforgiving at times which made Jensen feel unfit and tired by the time he arrived back at the clearing. The sunflowers were gone. There was no sign that they had ever been there and there were no other flowers there at all, just a thick carpet of the brightest green moss Jensen had ever seen, so bright it almost glowed. Peace washed over him, he felt his body relax and a sensation akin to that blissful moment just before sleep took him. Jensen took a tentative step onto the moss which felt like standing on a bed. A memory foam bed. Their memory foam bed.

_”Do you like this one?” Jared asked, wiggling his ass into the sample bed in the furniture store they had been wandering around in for almost an hour._

_”It’s hard to tell, isn’t it? Unless we stayed here all night, we’re just going on how comfortable it is for as long as it takes before they tell us to get off.” Jensen chuckled, bouncing from his hips. “Because people don’t just sleep in beds, do they?” He grinned._

_”Whatever do you mean?” Jared turned onto his side to look at Jensen with a smirk on his face._

_”I mean, when I make love to you all night, hard and deep, just how you like it.” Jensen said deeply._

_”Jen, don’t turn me on like this in public, you’re such a bad influence.”_

_”Well, if I’m that bad, you shouldn’t have agreed to move in with me after knowing me for only six months.” Jensen grinned._

_When you know, you know.” Jared sighed softly, forgetting their public locale for a moment._

_”I’ll marry you too, if you want me too.” Jensen said casually._

_”Oh my God, Jen. Was that a proposal?” Jared gasped._

_”Yeah, I think it might have been.” Jensen pulled a face, eyes widening. “When you know, you know, right?”_

_”We have to get this bed now. Oh and the answer is yes, by the way.” Jared grinned._

_”You’ll marry me?”_

_”Yes, I’ll marry you so hard.” Jared giggled, leaning across the bed and sealing the deal with a long, slow kiss._

Jensen was laying on his side on the moss when the memory faded from his mind. The ground underneath him felt like a bed, _the_ bed and he had no recollection as to how he had walked the few steps to the center of the clearing. There was no memory of laying down either, it was just Jared again as if he were there and they were together in their bed. Jensen stayed where he was, comfortable and warm, his entire body nestled into the moss. It wasn’t just joy that time, it was peace too and as if the moss bed had sucked out every twist and knot of tension of Jensen’s body, just like Jared’s fierce but erotic massages. It was, blissful. 

From that day on and every night until the end of the Summer, Jensen camped out on his moss bed. And every morning he woke up feeling rested and peaceful at least until the nights started to draw in and become colder, it was only then that Jensen was forced to sleep back at his cabin. Back in his own single bed which didn’t feel as bad as he had remembered. Life was better, the grief was lifting and the sunflowers lived on.

_Fall_

Falling leaves and early snowfall came with October, a mash up of Jensen and Jared’s favorite seasons. Although Jared always had wonderful, poetic things to say about all of them but he loved Fall and Winter the most ‘ _because of all the holidays!_ ’. The town was decorated for Halloween and even Jensen himself was compelled to buy and carve a pumpkin one late Fall afternoon, sitting on his front porch with a knife in his hand, carving out the shape of a pretty ballerino, _his_ pretty ballerino. The clearing called out to him as he placed and lit a small tea-light candle inside the pumpkin. Jensen suddenly knew that he needed to be there, that there was something else that he needed to learn to feel again. That time, he didn’t take anything with him, just himself with no supplies, hiking through to his personal haven of peace. 

Jensen laughed out loud, deeply and genuinely as he was greeted with a carpet of the prettiest pink toned fallen leaves he had ever seen. The clearing was covered with them, Jensen noticed only the color and familiar shape of the leaves which had fallen from the trees above him, he hadn’t noticed that they all of them were uniformly the same. There had been a kid inside Jensen once, the kind of child who still liked a bag of candy once in a while, the kind that didn’t think twice about playing naked tag with his husband in their apartment, the kind of kid who was compelled to play with a pile of freshly fallen leaves. 

“I’m going in.” Jensen laughed, plunging his hands into the leaves and tossing them up into the air. The leaves were sucked up into the space above him by a breeze he hadn’t noticed and swirled and twirled up and down until they were fluttering all around him. And then, he was there.

_”Do you, Jensen Ross Ackles, take this man in life and in love?” The officiant stood between the couple who hadn’t stopped smiling at one another since the ceremony had begun._

_”I do, so much.” Jensen grinned, dapper in a midnight blue suit and burgundy tie._

_”And do you, Jared Tristan Padalecki take this man also in life and in love?”_

_”Yes, I do.” Jared said smiling through happy tears. “I love you so much, Jen. So much, baby.” He whispered._

_”I love you too. I’m crazy about you.” Jensen whispered back._

_The officiant pronounced them married while their gathered family and friends clapped and cheered for them, the soundtrack to their first kiss as a married couple. Jensen’s brother yelled ‘ **Get a room!** across the sea of heads but the newlyweds hadn’t heard a thing, there was nothing in that room more fascinating than each other. _

_”You look **so** beautiful today, baby.” Jensen said, holding Jared around his waist and admiring the pretty lace shirt under his understated white suit._

_”I wanted you to remember.”_

_”Remember what?”_

_”Seeing me walk up the aisle, I wanted you to think and never forget how you feel about me.”_

_”I will never forget how I feel about you, for as long as I live. And I promise you that, you’re it for me. Okay? You’re mine and I’m yours and neither of us will ever forget.” Jensen said with firm and passionate words. Their private moment ended abruptly as a cascade of antique pink rose petals were tossed into the air above their heads. They had been Jared’s favorite flowers ever since Jensen had sent a bouquet of them to be handed to Jared on stage after his hugely successful run in La Bayadére. The petals fell around them as they kissed and posed for photographs, too wrapped up in another to even glance at a camera._

The petals fell, swirling in the air and gradually turned into Fall leaves and Jensen was once again back in the clearing. All he could feel was love, the love that had been too painful to remember but at the time of his marriage to Jared had felt like the most pure thing he had ever known. Grief had blurred the memory of how much Jensen had loved Jared, it had become bitter and almost cruel to have known and then have taken away. Love had become the bad thing, the villain in the piece but Jensen remembered, he had been reminded that no matter what, he had promised Jared that he would never forget how much he loved him and how much that love was a good thing and that once upon a time they had shared it in life. How lucky was Jensen to have known such a thing.

_Winter_

Jensen had taken on extra shifts at the diner and become more than just the pot-washer and the guy in the back who dutifully responded to yells of ‘ _Clean up!_ ’ from the stressed waitresses out front. Jensen had become a friendly face for the customers who were served by him. Talking to and meeting new people and catching up with regulars helped him forget, at least for a little while. On Christmas Eve, Jensen bought himself a tiny table top tree for his cabin. It wasn’t even a real tree, just the top of one that had been lopped off by accident. No one had wanted the spare part but Jensen offered the seller a couple of bucks for it. When he got it home, he set the tree in his living room and decorated it with Jared’s ornaments, the only Christmas decorations that Jensen had kept; two small dancers, glass roses and a few smart looking Nutcracker soldiers, resplendent in primary color uniforms. The branches sagged a little under the weight of the ornaments but sparkled enough as they reflected the light from the open fire next to it. Jared, Jensen thought, would have been pleased that he had made an effort for Christmas.

Just as Jensen was about to settle in for the night with a glass or two of whiskey and a DVD recording of Jared in The Nutcracker, fitting for a cozy Christmas Eve, the front door to the cabin blew open and a flurry of snow filled the living room. The clearing was calling to him. Jensen sighed, only because he felt happy all by himself and he never ventured out into the wilderness after dark but the pull to visit the place that had been weirdly instrumental in slowly lifting his grief was too strong to deny. Jensen wrapped himself up in his warm outerwear and stepped outside as the flurry appeared to dance around him like a white light, leading him through the darkness of the trail to the clearing.

Before Jensen had met Jared, his husband at the age of fourteen had played the role of Peter Pevensie in his ballet schools Christmas production of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. Jensen had seen the video of it and had been impressed not only by Jared’s young talent which shone out above everyone else on the stage but also by the set of Narnia. The set that looked precisely like the clearing looked as he stepped out from behind the trees. The snowfall had been quite heavy for the past few days, snowdrifts had been a problem in town and Jensen had to dig his car out from under one several times, but the clearing was drift free with nothing but a soft, level blanket of pure white snow which lightly sparkled under the light of a very bright full moon. Not only did it remind him of Jared’s beautiful Narnia but also of their Winter honeymoon to Norway. The two weeks they had spent there in their own private cabin which was nestled in snow and close by the ski slopes, had been perfection.

_A green light filled the sky as Jensen slowly fell backward into Jared’s arms as they looked up in humbled awe at the Northern Lights before them. Neither of them knew for sure if they were going to be two of the lucky few who witnessed natures most beautiful light show but three days into their honeymoon, they were spoiled by an entire night of them._

_”I don’t think I could ever describe this to anyone back home.” Jensen whispered as the sky danced green above their heads. The group who they were with were all taking videos of the phenomenon but Jared and Jensen wanted to keep some memories between just them._

_”I don’t think there is much about us I could put into words either.” Jared said, turning way from the lights and looking straight at his husband._

_”You’re missing them.” Jensen chuckled lightly._

_”They’re not the only example of natural beauty around here, you know.”_

_”I agree with that.” Jensen grinned. “Shall we kiss under the Northern Lights so that can be our memory?”_

_Jared didn’t need to answer, only with his lips as they kissed until the lights faded behind cloud and fresh snowfall came with them._

The snowflakes were huge, as if they had been put under a spell, pretty spinning patterns of snow the size of Oreos falling around Jensen, smaller ones settling on his eyelashes. And that kiss, he could feel it again, soft and warm against his lips. 

“Do you like it?”

“Yes, I love it.” Jensen answered when the soft voice carried through the flurries of snow within the clearing. Reality and the dream of a memory blurred as Jensen sat up on his knees, up until that point unaware that he had been kneeling in the snow. “Who’s there?” He said, patting his jacket for his phone so he could shine a light on the darkness beyond the trees.

“Don’t be scared.” The voice said again, a musical whisper floating through the air. 

“I’m not.” Jensen snapped, sighing as he remembered his phone was still charging on his kitchen counter back at the cabin. “I just want to know who is there, no one comes out here at night.”

“Don’t be scared.” The voice repeated in a more reassuring tone which didn’t necessarily make Jensen feel any more comfortable. 

“Listen, I don’t know who you are but I’m going to go now, okay?”

“No.” The voice came through louder and with it a body, just the side of a face and fingertips curling around the trunk of one of the trees. Jensen instinctively fell back as the body came out behind the tree and only because he had expected it to stand and not crawl on its hands and feet, crouching as it, or rather _he_ moved. Jensen was immediately alarmed by the young mans naked and all too familiar appearance, scrambling back further across the soft snow until his back hit the trunk of a tree.

“Oh, come on. This is not funny. This is not at all fucking funny!” Jensen shook his head, his emotions suspended between amusement and fearful disbelief.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. That word will not do.” The young man said, slapping his hands over his ears.

“What is this? Did I get drunk again, OD on my sleep meds?”

“I do not know what those things are but your tone seems to be one of disbelief, Jensen. Let me tell you now, I am quite real.”

“Sure.” Jensen nodded stiffly, nostrils flaring with anger as he pressed his back painfully against the tree trunk. “You’re some random naked guy with weird skin who looks like my husband. This is not real, so I’m gonna go now.” He grabbed at the roots of the tree to pull himself up but found that he could not move, as if some kind of invisible force was keeping him there. Jensen barely tried to release himself, giving into grief again as the young man watched silently by his feet.

“You are sad again. This was not my intention. My name is Sylvain, I am a fairy.”

“A fairy?” Jensen laughed, wiping away snot from his nose. “Sure you are, and I’m Santa ‘fucking’ Claus.”

“Do not use that word.” Sylvain hissed, moving around Jensen’s limp body. “And I know of this Santa Claus you speak of, he is certainly not real.”

“No, because that would be dumb.” Jensen mumbled, head hung low because even the thought of looking at Sylvain was too painful beyond words. Jensen was mulling over a billion reasons in his head as what was happening and the only rational one was that he had finally broken mentally. He had half expected it to happen sooner rather than later and certainly not when he had been feeling so much more like the person he was when Jared was still alive. 

“Please don’t cry.” Sylvain moved slowly around Jensen’s body, daring to curl his long fingers over one shoulder. They felt warm and familiar, the urge to flinch washed away and Jensen finally lifted his head to look at the strange young man which did nothing but punch out a deep sob from the center of his chest.

“No.” Jensen whined. “What are you? Why him?”

“Oh, Jensen.” Sylvain smiled. “Jared is so very present in your mind, there is little else there but him.”

“How do you know that?” Jensen slurred, sucking up tears and snot.

“I can see.” Sylvain smiled. “There is a lot you will not understand.”

“You think? This is fucking cruel. I don’t know what is happening to my mind but you need to get the fuck out of it.”

“I help. And please, you are better than those hateful words, Jensen.”

“Stop calling me that.” Jensen hissed.

“But it is your name, yes?” Sylvain cocked his head as Jensen looked directly at him, for the first time _really_ looking.

“Yeah.” Jensen nodded, wiping tears from his eyes with the back of his hand, clearing his vision. Sylvain was beautiful, but then Jared had always been the most beautiful person Jensen had ever known. But in place of Jared’s smooth honey skin, Sylvain was pearlescent, all pale pinks, blues and muted golds. He was naked too, and didn’t seem fazed by the snow he was sitting in. Sylvain was Jared, although the ears were wrong. Jared’s ears were human, normal, cute and had been whispered into so many times. Sylvain’s were slightly pointed, the tips brushing against a thin rose gold band around his head which made his hair flick from underneath it, just like Jared’s did when it curled around his ears. It was Jared and Jensen who had been so against looking at the young man, clearly some escaped lunatic with a penchant for body paint and naked exhibitionism, couldn’t take his eyes from him. Photographs and videos were something but they were no substitute for the real thing. And whatever Sylvain claimed to be, Jensen just saw Jared and it was _beautiful_.

“There we go.” Sylvain smiled, feeling Jensen’s body relax against the tree. He was still weeping quietly but smiling too, so fondly at the face he loved so much for so many years. “Can I tell you a story, Jensen?”

“Yes.” Jensen nodded dumbly, rolling his shoulder into the hand still gripping it. “Just don’t let go.” He whispered.

“I will not, I promise.” Sylvain smiled, sitting ass bare and crossed legged in the snow without a flinch. “We have many people, humans like you pass through the clearing. For sure, they are permitted. Fairy-kind do not disallow anyone passage through our forests, we have learned to share as we are peaceful and private. It is rare for us to feel such intense emotions, most humans who follow the trail through to the clearing are-” He frowned for a moment as he thought of the word. “-neutral. There is nothing but thoughts of food and aching feet and often peace but none have possessed such strong emotions as you, Jensen. Oh the pain, and the love, I felt it so deeply that it woke me. And I watched you and it pained me to see so little joy in your life, joy that I know you once had. It made me sad and brought such a bad energy to the forest.”

“Sorry my grief was an inconvenience for you.” Jensen grumbled, gazing at Sylvain whose ears twitch at the negative tone in Jensen’s voice.

“No, you misunderstand. Humans and Fairy-kind are both intrinsically connected to nature, the only difference is that we feel it, you don’t. Your sorrow brought such chaos with it, so I took it upon myself to help you.” Sylvain smiled as Jensen frowned.

“What?”

“The seasons, Jensen.” Sylvain beamed at him with Jared’s pretty smile.

“Why do you look like him?” Jensen cried, lifting a hand and cupping Sylvain’s face which was as warm as the hand on Jensen’s shoulder. Jared’s face. 

“You needed him. You love him.”

“I know.” Jensen sighed, rubbing Sylvain’s cheek which changed color with coyness, a deep baby pink which rippled across his skin. “What do you mean ‘the seasons’?”

“Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.”

“Yes, I know what they are. But, I don’t know what-” Jensen chuckled very lightly. “-oh, I see. The everlasting sunflowers, the bed of moss, the pink leaves and now this. That was you?”

“Yes.” Sylvain nodded as if he were bowing.

“I just thought it was some weird quirk of nature or that I was finally going nuts. I guess I _did_ finally go nuts because I dreamed you up too.”

“I am not a dream. I chose the seasons because you _are_ the seasons.” Sylvain smiled, cocking his head from one side to the other like an inquisitive puppy and as if Jensen knew why.

“I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything right now.”

“I will tell.” Sylvain said, climbing over Jensen’s lap and settling himself on his thighs. Jensen pulled back because as much as Sylvain looked like Jared in almost every way, his skin smelled so strange, like flowers and fruit and the outdoors. Not like Jared at all who always smelled like, well just Jared really. Jensen didn’t know where to put his hands and so buried his closed fists into the snow either side of him. “You are the seasons, it is rare for a human to possess them. Your eyes, they are Spring, so green and full of the potential of the season. There is yellow in them too, it was why Jared loved yellow so much.” The fairy giggled as Jensen’s eyes widened with realization. “Your smile is Summer, so sunny but I feel it has been hidden behind dark clouds for so long. Jared used to feel so much when you smiled, he would look at you when you were not looking at him. So much love there.” Sylvain frowned, marveling inwardly as he felt the love that he spoke about.

“I know he loved me.” Jensen muttered. “You don’t need to tell me that.”

“No, but you do need to remember. What luck to find such love in a world so riddled and diseased with hate. To know great love is the greatest of all human endeavors.”

“And to lose it?”

“A human tragedy.” Sylvain said sadly.

“Yes.” Jensen nodded, eyes filling again with burning tears.

“But you are Fall, this-” Sylvain smiled and stroked Jensen’s beard with its russet Autumn tones. “-Jared never wanted you to shave your fur.”

“My fur?” Jensen laughed, really laughed. “It’s a beard.”

“Oh my, the sun has come out.” Sylvain sighed and relaxed on Jensen’s lap. “So beautiful, you should do it more because you are Winter too-” The fairy laid his hand over Jensen’s heart. “-so cold and icy in here. But it has been thawing of late because you have been remembering and purging your sorrow. I have helped, yes?”

“Yes.” Jensen nodded. “You have but what about tomorrow?”

“It is Christmas Day, yes?”

“Hm. It was Jared’s favorite holiday. He loved them all, he got so excited, he loved Christmas shopping and used to go out late and-” Jensen let out a wracking sob as he remembered the night he had lost Jared.

“Oh no, please don’t cry.” Sylvain leaned forward and wrapped Jensen up in an all encompassing cuddle. The warmth from his strange pearlescent skin penetrated through Jensen’s clothes and relaxed him in an instant. 

“I don’t want you to leave too.” Jensen whispered.

“I will not, I will stay for a little while longer. You must remember Jensen, remember and honor him, do not live in the shadows, not when you have known such a pure love. You are a man for all seasons and one day, you will love again and be loved in return. Jared will be so happy for you because all that he ever wanted was for you to be happy and content. Move on, Jensen.” Sylvain whispered the last three words in Jensen’s ear then pulled back to look at him.

“For Jared?”

“For the both of you.” Sylvain nodded then leaned in and pressed a soft, tender kiss against Jensen’s lips. In a second, he was gone.

Jensen gasped loudly, his hands that had been buried in the snow were stiff with cold and the clearing was dark and lit only by the moonlight filtering through the trees. He felt as if he had been drinking and was at that warm/fuzzy stage where everything felt good and perfect. Jensen hauled himself up, his thoughts a mass of puzzles as he walked back to the cabin trying to figure out whether he was crazy, had been drinking and didn’t remember or if everything that had happened over the past year had been real. The cabin was beautifully warm as Jensen stepped inside shaking snow from his coat and kicking off his boots. The fire was roaring and snapping jovially as he approached it to warm his hands, glancing at his little Christmas tree and Jared’s pretty ornaments. As Jensen fondly studied the tree he noticed an ornament that definitely wasn’t part of Jared’s collection, he took a step forward and chuckled with amused confusion at the little figure with pearlescent skin and his rose gold crown sitting cross-legged and hung prettily from one of the branches. 

“Where did you come from?” Jensen shook his head as he laughed, cupping the little figure in his palm. He smiled to himself then glanced up at a photograph of Jared on his mantel above the fire. “I’m okay, I’ll be okay now. Merry Christmas, baby. I love you.”


End file.
